The other day I went out on the farm with my dad - which is probably the first time in a few years that I have done so.

As we are driving out to the farm to check on his baby calf we somehow get on the subject of lawyers.

He declares “Lawyers are the reason you should wear condoms when having anal sex, because that’s where they come from.”

:O

So my mom is out on the porch with me trying to figure out what my next post is going to be about. See, the dear woman reads this thing which I’m not sure if I should be happy about or not. Sometimes I talk about things that my mom really doesn’t need to learn about. You all know what I’m talking about. Anyway…

So today we went out to my grandmothers house today to get a few pieces of furniture. A bed, an end table and some odds ‘n ends. So the first thing we need to do is take apart this bed.. as we are working on it, and I finally get everything taken apart and I am hauling it out to the car my dear, sweet mother says “Be careful with this bed frame - this is the bed you were conceived in!”

I tell you, I about dropped it.

This evening, my mother invited a few of her new friends out for some drinks. I ended up drinking the equivalent of 3/4 a bottle of wine and as I type this there are gunshots AND fireworks going off in the distance. I’m not sure if I should hide or not.

When my mom goes shopping at the Wal-Marts (which is what you call it in these parts) the person who rings her up asks “How many cats do you have?” My mother just sighs and replies “I don’t know any more.” And it’s true! They have Tippy, Grey Chin, Bandit, Grey Tail, Mickey Mouse, Miss Piggy, Shamous, Pearl, Sunshine, Sadie Mae, Oscar, Floofy, Sissy and Millie that live in the house. OUTSIDE the house they have Momma cat, Susie and Smudge. Momma cat has a FRESH litter in the bushes out front. Then there are the 8-13 barn cats that live out on one of the farms. Dad also has a pet baby calf that is blind that he takes care of. So if ANY of you wonder why I’m so odd, just consider my parental influences and then smile and nod.

As I sit on my parents screened in porch in rural Clark County Kentucky, sipping bourbon, ‘net surfing at dial-up speeds - I find I miss my DVR.

I want to know what’s going on with SG1. I want to know what’s going on with Atlantis. I want to know what is going on with Battlestar Galactica. If my DVR did not record BSG this week like it was instructed too I will turn it into a toaster.

But the bourbon is tasty. Mom made a special trip to the drug store to buy me some Makers Mark. Which is funny, since we call Bourbon “Kentucky penicillin”.

Roun’ bout six on our way up to get some mexican food, we were goin ’round the bypass whens I heard a horn honk up behind me and then a blue car pulled up next to me, followed by a white car. The driver got out of the blue car and started a yellin and a fussin at the driver in that there white car. So he propped half his body out the open drivers side winder and started a hollerin back at her. I laughed and tossed my Bush Ice can out the window and screeched out from that there stoplight before someone started shootin’ us up.

I have seen many mullets since I got here. I think half the population of men in KY own no shirts. And they all drive PT Cruisers. I think that sums it up nicely.

I just woke up from a very strange dream where I could see Patrick, Shawn and Brian but no matter how much I screamed or pounded they couldn’t hear me.

After many hours on the road, I am finally in Kentucky. And the Ohio River valley pollen has kicked in full blast, and I am miserable with allergies. I will have to compensate for this with bourbon. Bourbon for breakfast, bourbon for lunch, bourbon at tea time and bourbon for dinner. Don’t forget bourbon after dinner as well.

Last night some of my classmates and I went out for drinks after our last class. We went to Houlihans on 95th street which is like 3 blocks from home. So yay for that I still got home around 1 or 1:30. I did not sleep well. At 6 I woke from a combination of roommate noise, full bladder and kitty snuggles. At 7 I gave up trying to fall back asleep.

I have been running on Red Bull & Mt. Dew all day long.

Traffic in St. Louis held my time-table back by about one and a half hours.

My rental car is a Chevy Impala, because the MINI is too close to service, and was too small to haul all the crap here that I needed to haul. The ride on the Impala is nice in a straight line. Don’t try to make sudden lane changes and NOT get motion sickness. Ugh. PLUS I had to stop at Micro Center and get an iPod radio transmitter because the Impala HAS NO CD PLAYER. Enterprise Rent-a-Lug SUCKS. When I had the iPod plugged into the charger it made strange noises in the speakers which really annoyed me. I learned, about 9/10ths of the way through the drive here, that if I let the iPod run off battery the strange noises go away. Good to know for next time.

Fortunately for me, the only thing other than my personal items that I drag along with me everywhere, that I need to take home is mom’s copy of the latest Harry Potter book. Good times

Head home Monday.

11 days till the move to Tempe. :O

We have a story of a boy, his foot and a bucket of formaldehyde courtesy of the paper from my home town of Lawrence, KS.

As reported in the Lawrence Urinal-Swirl (err Journal-World):

Amputee happy to be reunited with foot
Police had seized limb after complaints from neighbors about public spectacle
By Eric Weslander
Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Fortunately for Ezekiel Rubottom, there’s no law against keeping your severed foot in a bucket on the front porch.

Rubottom, a 21-year-old Lawrence resident, ex-pressed relief Monday after police gave him back his left foot, which he began storing in a five-gallon bucket of formaldehyde on the porch at 627 Conn. after it was amputated three weeks ago. Police seized the foot Saturday, thinking it could have been evidence of a crime, but returned it after verifying Rubottom was the rightful owner.

“It’s cool. It’s all good,” Rubottom said. “Now I’ve got my foot back. That’s all I wanted.”

Rubottom, an artist, occasional hip-hop emcee and recovering methamphetamine addict, is technically homeless right now but often stays with a friend at the home on Connecticut. He said he was born with a clubbed left foot and struggled throughout his life with pressure sores and infections.

Ezekiel. Rubottom. Occasional hip-hop emcee. Recovering meth addict.

Feel free to read the rest once you’ve stopped laughing. And Shawn, I did *not* grow up in Topeka - tho at this point I’m not sure it would have been any worse.

These are all keywords that people have found my website by between 6:03am 7/27/2005 and the time of this post:

“ben bowder nude” (Gosh, I sure wish I could help with that one!)
“cut cat’s hair” (Use clippers or a hedge trimmer)
“ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh” (no comment!)
“Fat Kid Bouncing”
“rusty griswold” (uhhh…)
“mothafucka” (Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee!)
“shitzu mix” (two references to shitzu’s total!)
“go chicken go” (MmmmHmmmm)
“why do my toenails break?” (????)
“drunken lesbian” (stole my milk money!)
“gay undies” (yes please!)
“you took my paper” (I DID NOT!!)

I went to The Atlanta Bread Company today for lunch. As I was filling my cup with Fresh Brewed Sweet Tea some lady (who worked there) said: “You know that tea is already sweetened?” I looked at her and said “I know how to read, thank-you.”

Well I’ve started to peel from the weekends sunburn. At least on my nose & forehead so I look like I have leprosy. How nice.

My dear Lance said the funniest thing to me today. Well, funniest thing I’d heard *today* anyway:

Idle hands spend time at the genitals, and you know the Lord hates that.

I love Lance, he’s such a freak. 14 days till the move!

So suppose WWII had been an online rollplaying game?

Perhaps the conversation would have been like this…